The same night that I returned from the dinner party, I dreamt about a younger-looking Savoy with my father and how he would play with me when I was young. What I remembered of the dream was only their faces, but I don't remember the words that they were saying. The entire dream felt like a movie played in mute. Both of them looked serious, and Savoy was shaking his head a lot in the dream.
"Why are you so quiet?" Sil asked with one eye lazily opened.
He moved closer under the duvet cover and buried his face on my chest.
"It's time to wake up, Sil."
"A minute more..."
"We are going to be late, Sil."
Sil tightened his hold.
"I won't be able to make breakfast for you."
Hearing that, Sil immediately rolls away and sits up. I thought it was cute that the clean-looking Sil would have such a funny bedhead.
"Okay," he pouted and stood up while scratching his tummy.
When he finished his breakfast, he hugged me and ran for it.
I thought that maybe that dream just happened because I met one of my old acquaintances that I have forgotten. However, that did not happen.
For consecutive nights, I had dreams of the past that I have left behind once my mother died. Day by day, I felt frightened that knowing the truth would separate me away from Sil. Sil was able to catch my mood change, but I just told him that I might be getting a cold, so I felt tired all the time. I did not have the courage to tell him. It was his job to ask me about the documents. He stayed with this job for more than five years now. How am I supposed to say this in a way that does not endanger us since now he is also involved with me? What will he do if he actually gets to know that I am getting my memories back?
At dinner, Sil suggested, "Let's go for a walk at the temple, Kyrie. You seem to have a lot in your mind lately. I won't pry, but it worries me. Did something happened at the dinner party?"
"Ah! No, nothing happened. I am just in a phase that I am insecure about the future. Hehe. The university term has been tough."
"Don't worry too much, Kyrie. You are one of the top students. Well, I guess top students also have these kinds of thoughts. About the temple..."
"Yeah, it would be nice to walk around the temple!"
"Cool! Then let's go there for the weekend. I also found an interesting restaurant there that I wanted you to try. That restaurant is old and a bit secluded, but I thought it looked classy with all the vintage inside. I bet you will like it a lot!"
"Yeah!"
---
The day finally came, and I was very excited that I would be spending an entire day with Sil.
He has been quite busy lately and had to work overtime, so spending a full day outside felt refreshing. Sil pulled my hand to stop me and wrap his scarf around my neck. He took my hand and put it inside his pocket, and for my other hand, he gave me his small heating pack. The gesture was cute and heartwarming. It made me feel so guilty about keeping the secret.
My thoughts are everywhere.I knew that I have to decide to either say it and take responsibility for what happens next or keep the secret to the grave. Of course, the latter option makes life more comfortable, but knowing how easy I get guilt-tripped, I wonder how long I can seal my mouth from ever speaking about this.
"How old do you think the temple is?" asks Sil.
"Maybe around thirty years?"
"It looks too old for thirty years," Sil said while looking around.
"Well, there is often rainfall here."
"Hehe... Kyrie, how do you know so much? Are you a closet fan of temples?" Sil joked.
"Maybe, for some reason, I really like going to temples."
We walked into the courtyard. Before we got into the temple, I stopped Sil and told him to go with me to wash our hands first. It was standard etiquette when visiting the temple. For some reason, I felt that the temple is familiar to me. I knew where to wash our hands like it has been done more than a dozen times.
"Have you been here before? You seem to be very familiar with the temple."
"I am not sure; maybe the layouts are similar to other temples."
"Really?"
Sil looks around and scratches his head.
Together, we went inside the shrine. The room was incredibly striking. The walls were of bright red that suit the golden Buddha in the center of the altar and the many small golden figurines surrounding it. Unlike the outside appearance that has been weathered by the enormous amounts of rainfall that the place experiences in the years, the inside looked almost new. Everything was neat and well taken care of. The woody smell of incense fumed the inside.
I closed my eyes for prayer, but instead, my thoughts went somewhere else. Recollections of coming here entered my mind like a wave causing my ears to ring. A piercing headache followed. The images of my father and Logan Savoy came projected in my mind again, but this time in the shrine. Their faces were not as calm as my previous recollections. My father was anxious, while Savoy seemed to be convincing him about something with a nervous expression.
Before, I used not to hear the conversations that these two had, but now, it's different. I hear the trembling voice from Savoy and my father's quickened speech.
"I am going to hide it then. I will hide it underneath this Buddha's platform."
Savoy said in a complete panic, "Lin, you know that unless you come out clean with the higher-ups, you are never going to have a single day of peace again. I beg you! As a friend, listen to me, just give it back, Lin."
My father looked troubled and said, "But, Logan. How can I let this go?"
Savoy holds my father's arms and said seriously, "Lin, you have a family. Have you not consider their feelings?"
My father cold says, "How would you know Logan?"
My father left the shrine, annoyed, leaving Savoy hanging. Savoy slums down into a squat and puts both of his hands intertwined on the back of his head.
Savoy's tears flowed down, and he smiled, mocking himself, "Yeah, how would I know? How can I have a family when my thoughts are always with someone else."
He looks in my direction and says, "That jerk left you here again. Kyrie, your dad, is too upright. You might have to suffer some pain. That jerk does not get that I worry about him. Kyrie, never reveal this to anyone. That way, no one besides you will get hurt."
After I opened my eyes, I recalled how Savoy was pleading at my father; it made me feel sad for him. I recognized the emotions in his eyes. I understood what he felt.
"Take anything... Anything but him. I only have him."
The Savoy that I saw at the dinner party felt different than the ones in my memories. Maybe it was his tired eyes or perhaps his withdrawn nature like he wanted to belong somewhere else?
I looked at the Buddha statue, and the Buddha statue's face twisted the more I stared at it. The smile looked closer and closer to a mocking smirk, looking through my life riddled with a fate of misfortune. I gave a small prayer to the statue or any god for some mercy with my opened eyes. I did not care about what could be taken away, but all except for the little happiness I have with Sil. The feeling of being plunged into darkness again was scary. I know that loneliness and hurt would consume me.